Bug. That’s what you’ve done all day, you little monster. Bugged me. The questions, the chatter, the mess – and oh my god, did I mention the questions? I swear, within the space of 5 minutes over lunch today, you asked me:
Is unconscious the same as being asleep?
Is spinach good for you?
What happens to you if you DON’T eat spinach?
What is grass made of?
What is a grudge?
There were probably more, but I’ve blotted them out. Like I blotted it out when you announced the floor was made of lava, which meant that every single cushion and pillow house in the house had to be used to form a path to walk on. And the plastic fork you broke by seeing how far it would bend. And the minutes you spent lying devotedly outside the bathroom door like some miniature human Greyfriars Bobby because you ‘missed me so much’ while I was going to the loo. And last but not least the blind in my bedroom you nearly wrecked at bedtime, yanking it up violently to check if there was a full moon outside.
You bug me.
And I let it show too often, I sigh or roll my eyes, and you can tell, and it hurts your little heart. And I want to tell you no, it’s not all bugging me. I want to tell you that your project about penguins, with your maps and drawings and snippets of useful information about Adelies and Emperors and all the rest – is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.
And when I tell you no, we can’t take your bike to the shops because I can’t manage locking it up and juggling all the bags, but we will go for a bike ride later, and you smile and cheerfully climb off the bike that you could happily spend every waking moment on, and then we forget to go for a bike ride later but you don’t complain – I want to tell you that I’ve noticed you don’t complain, and I’m proud of you for that.
And I want to tell you that I understand why you’re sometimes scared to go upstairs by yourself, and that the monsters aren’t real and one day the fear will go. And I wish, more than anything, that I could more often give myself permission to stop thinking about work, about money, about doing the washing, about my own aching heart, and just sit down and lose myself in some silly game with you.
But I never do. And now I watch you sleep, with your tangled hair on the pillow and your sunburnt little arms flung out, and my heart breaks for all the ways I’ve let you down again today, and I promise myself again that tomorrow I’ll do it better, and I won’t let you bug me so much. And I just hope to god that when you’re grown up, you’ll look back and remember not how much I got wrong, but how much I tried to get it right.
Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday hosted by Linda G. Hill. This week’s prompt was bug. If you’d like to take part the rules, borrowed from Linda’s site, are as follows:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top. NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, such as Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.
8. Have fun!